Through It All

Feelings and continued existence can not be borrowed.

Bestowing LOVE and precious TIME is monumental throughout loneliness and sorrow.

Developing friends and relationships there will emerge dispute and pleasure.

The memorable TIMES shared can be written down in your ledger.

 

 

Distance put between us caused unbearable heartache.

Acknowledging the people you love and lost is not a setback or mistake.

You are allowed the right to grieve, cry, and hurt in your own TIME frame.

No matter how long it takes there is no reason to feel ashamed.

 

 

The moment of tragedy can strike at any given time and life lesson will become a teacher to us all.

Death knocked on your doorway, texted you, and sent an email to remind you grief isn’t small.

Every day is respected as a new day because the pain, sorrow, and heartache is not finished.

The greatest Life Lesson to learn is these feelings can be diminished.

 

 

We should live our life in such a way,

Acknowledgement of friends and relationships should come on a regular day.

In the face of adversity one must show their friend.

Trials and tribulations will strengthen the bond within.

 

 

It may take years and years and probably the rest of ones quality of life accomplishments.

Loss of those we love can open a gateway to appreciate life and not to hoard resentment.

In the darkest hour when trouble arises be there to motivate a friend not to do wrong.

Feed the flames of humanity and give support so they can become strong.

 

 

Through it all reading the ledger became our mighty rock.

Reflections of the days spent together made our hearts go tic-tock.

Through it all I have felt your presence and never abandonment.

There will be days in our lives we will have petty nonsensical arguments.

 

 

Through it all to have a friend who is there through the journey of your plight.

A person so caring and selfless who help you battle your fight.

Through it all, they lifted your spirits and navigated you through an abusive relationship.

The Flag-Ship of Friendship who help lower the anchor on Blame, Guilt, and Detriment.

 

 

Through it all this may come as a surprise to what we can do.

Knowledge, a pure heart, and commitment will help us make it through.

Through it all we need cheerleaders to point out our faults.

A friend who is willing to hold your hand in the storm and throughout the draught.

 

 

Through it all each day of our life we have so much to be thankful for.

You don’t need to be place on a pedestal when you are a guiding star.

Through it all there are many keys that will unlock tragic moments in our life.

One day a friend will come along to help you get pass the pain and strife.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

Mommie Dearest___The Elevator

What a day!  The time just seem to fly. Visiting with old friends and sharing all those wonderful Mother’s Day story was so much fun. Bernice’s story really made me come away with a different perspective. I was scared she was going to do it. Do what! You know the thing with the elevator. Did that really bother you? Yes, it did. Girl, when I made reservation I wanted to make sure we did not have to go up to some sky-scraper restaurant and use an elevator. So how many places did you call?  I only called 42 restaurants. Get out of here! What made you change your mind? I was curios to see if she would do it after all of these years had pass. Were you disappointed when Bernice got on the elevator and didn’t do her spill? Part of me felt relieved and the other part of me felt as though Bernice had let go of some really dark secret in her life. It just always bothered me because she has never uttered one word.

So What did you think? I will never forget the life lesson she taught me on this Mother’s Day. It drove me nuts when Bernice would get on the elevator and face the opposite way. All I could think of was being stampeded by the people on the elevator for thinking we had a nutcase with us. No matter where we would go she always find a store or building with an elevator.  Here comes her cheerleader always encouraging Bernice to do her “thang.”   You would get on the elevator and act like it was a normal day in the neighborhood and the queen had her clothes on. This where I wanted to pull out the Comet Can and get the Wire Hangers and spank you and Bernice A… For some reason the people on the elevator never seem to get indignant. What’s Up with that?  You are so good at imitating Bernice. Do it! Go ahead and Do It. Okay, if you insist. Hel….looo! Hel…looo! I’m Bernice but you can call me Bern. I’m just here checking out your eyes, mouths and whatever you got to remind me of myself and family. You sound so much like her. After all this time it all make sense.

I saw Bernice grab your hand as she got on the elevator.  It felt as though she was my daughter and we were having our first Mother’s Day Dinner together.  All through the dinner she didn’t have much to say. She had a lot on her mind. After we left the restaurant and got back on the elevator she grab my hand again.  She laid her head on my shoulders. What was going on inside of your head? I felt as though I needed to protect her. Once we got to Justine house Bernice leaned over and ask me could she sit next to me. It was fine with me. I did not want you to feel left out. Hey! I was always cool with you and Bernice relationship. I felt we were the 3 musketeers and could conquer all together, “One for all and all for one.”  Relationships get messed when one person in the group began to act as though they need all the attention.  Here we go with the I Nucleus Factor.  Everything is centered around me. I control everything and everybody. I take all the credit.  Some people have some of these characteristic and traits or all of them. WHEW! Our friendship lasted all these years because we gave credit were credit was due. It’s always enough love to go around.

After everyone told their Mother’s Day story with the exception of Bernice, Justine brought out those famous cinnamon rolls packed with much love.  Justine can throw down when it comes to cooking.  That is Bernice favorite desert. Hey! Did you call ahead and ask Justine to cook those rolls for Bernice. Yes, I thought it would help her get through her story. All 8 of us (me, Justine, Bev-lo, Bernice, Avis, Paula, Gina and you Melody) are looking like the Boo-Hoo sisters. Bernice cleared her throat and proceeded to tell her story. She turned her body toward Melody and her eye contact put Melody’s face in a vice grip. This would be the first Time the crew would learn Bernice tried to take her life as a child.

Bernice told of the day she was cleaning out the attic and she ran across some old newspapers. Underneath were adoption papers. She said she freaked out and went down stairs and start attacking everyone about how the family had all lied to her. Bernice couldn’t think about all the sacrifices her parents went through for her. She ran from the house and no one heard from her for hours.  When Bernice was found she was in an elevator with her wrist slit. My family got the called around 4:30 p.m.  We all rushed over to Barnes Hospital to see what was Bernice condition.  It was hard for me to think about killing myself but I was not in Bernice shoes. At the Time both Bernice and I was only 13 years old. I was so glad and thankful for my parents. Hey! I thought parents were parents no matter where they came from. When it was my turn to go in to see Bernice I had never seen so much machinery and tubing in my life. I was so scared.  All I could think about was How Could I Ease The Pain. That is one of my favorite records by Lisa Fisher. I have never prayed so hard in my life. Bernice looked like a little gray ghost and her arms were bruised from where the nurse had tried to find her veins. My parents were comforting the Davis family and I felt emotional drained. It seemed too much to comprehend as I listen to Bernice tell what happened.

Bernice said the only thing she remembered is running and running. She didn’t remember stopping off getting any blades to hurt herself. She ran into an elevator and backed into a corner and the lights went out. It was hard for me to hold back the tears. Bernice said that morning she felt as though she was at the top of her game.  Her favorite place in the house was the attic.  She felt untouchable in her make-believe castle. Bernice curious mind lead her to open this big old trunk with dragons layered on the front and back side. The trunk’s top was so heavy she found a rod to prop the lid up.  As she began to dig there was a small jade box underneath the papers. When she opened the box and unfolded the papers. She became unglued. This couldn’t be true.  Bernice felt shafted. From the top of the attic to rock bottom, the elevator came crashing down fast.  She doesn’t remember having the blowout with her family. Anger can really do a lot of damage and thinking straight will not happen. Suicide is not the answer.  Opening up about her attempt to commit suicide was a big leap.  Something happened in her life that made her realize she could lose the most important people she love.

All I wanted was for Bernice to heal but I knew it would take a long time.  It was Time for me to go in search of a support team. I was on a mad search for some really good peer buddies that could help Bernice get through her crisis.  Bernice anger isolated me but I had to give her some space to process what had happened. It took little brother Bobby getting hit by a car to snap her out of her I Nucleus World. Bobby got banged up pretty bad. His legs had gotten crushed and he suffered severe spinal injuries. Bobby would never walk again.  Bernice began to focus on Bobby’s care and I could see her getting back on the elevator on her way to the top. That is how Avis, Paula, Bev-lo, Justine, Gina, me and you Melody came together.  Bernice really took to Melody. It was all good!

Man, a lot of years have passed. Our crew got through it. We all have witnessed births, marriages, graduations, divorces, deaths all sort of life skills lesson.  Do you know anyone that has perfected the lesson of life skills?  No! These lesson are not to be perfected.  You can become very skilled, knowledgeable, or an expert in your field. They can become your greatest strengths and achievements. Look at Bernice accomplishments. She is a renown Psychologist and look what we would have missed in our lives if she had been successful the day she attempted suicide. Look at all the people she has help take the elevator ride to the top.

We all shared a common denominator. Some of the crew shared more. We all had adopted parents.  Bernice clinched Melody’s hand tighter.  “Are you ready to take the elevator ride to the top?”  Melody all teared up and the rest of the crew breaking down.  Bernice asks Melody,  “Will you marry me?”  I pulled out my comet can along with my wire hanger and began to tap them lightly. It took you guys forever.  Jaron is Melody’s son from a previous marriage. Melody found out she couldn’t have any children and Jaron was adopted.  Melody’s husband wanted his own kids.  Whatever the hell that means. Mr. I Nucleus Factor never excepted Jaron as his child.  Jaron is crazy about Bernice. This kid is so fortunate.  Jaron  will have a wonderful set of parents.  Are you ready to take the elevator ride to the top?  Do not let your elevator crash to the bottom by not evolving and appreciating other people lifestyles. Of course you know where the wedding will take place. 🙂

Edit From My Heart

It’s hard to CHOOSE the words to say.

I’m ripping myself apart.

MANAGING my thoughts can be delayed.

I will EDIT from my heart.

When I speak, I’m often CORRECTED,

Being impulsive, appearing rude, and considered not smart.

UNINTENTIONAL BEHAVIORS can be DIRECTED.

I will EDIT from my heart.

CLEAN UP my social blunders.

Isolation fuels the sparks.

One does not SELECT to be asunder.

I will EDIT from my heart.

Throughout my life I will be BLUE PENCILED.

MODIFY me like a work of art.

The hurt and pain removed from its stencil.

I will EDIT from my heart.

No, I’m not very POLISHED.

Take a chance and give me a fresh start.

Our friendship should not be abolished.

I will EDIT from my heart.

Being ORGANIZED is a laborious task.

It plays a monumental part.

I am truly glad it has been unmasked.

I will EDIT from my heart.

DEDICATION:To Jennifer G.

Adaptability is very strenuous and monumental for many people in every walk of life. Once we are able accept a problem does exist and will continue to exist then we are ready for solutions to our problems.

The transition can be made if and only if we are willing to seek help for our problem. We are allowed more choices. We are better equipped to manage, organize, improve and preside over our new and improved life.

All this and more is hauled around in your LUGGAGE of LIFE. It is TIME to EDIT from YOUR Heart. It is early INTERVENTION to help diminish the PREVENTION of the pain and sorrow one may suffer. NLD Mom/cancer survivor

A Bite Of The Apple__A Tribute to Steve Jobs

Scene: This conversation takes place at Steve Jobs’ underground compound in the middle of who in the hell knows where. We are talking about Steve Jobs, Okay. Smokelbg has decided to pay Steve a visit and have a heart to heart chat.

Smokelbg:

Hey, where you at? Steve, Steve is you here? Hey man you better show up real fast. Some of your neighbors are looking at me real crazy. I can’t believe this. Steve wears this outfit all the time. I wonder why I’m having so much trouble wearing these blue jeans and black tee-shirt? I don’t have no ski mask on. What is this, the neighborhood watch? Okay, I see how this works. Don’t make me show your neighbors who’s the real Mac Genius. Why you laughing Steve?

Steve:

Smokelbg, you are hilarious. I’m so glad you could drop by. It’s good seeing you. It has been a long TIME.

Smokelbg:

More like Delirious and you don’t hear me singing Prince’s song. Come on now, I didn’t just drop by. I had to catch 2 planes, sail across the Mojave Desert, take a boat through Vienna, sing Oleta Adam’s Song-Get Here If You Can, and stung gun your neighbor’s dog. Where did Cujo come from? Was he trained to take a bite out of crime? Hey Prince designed his butt-out pants. I did not need any help from Cujo. Okay!

Steve:

What?! Is Fefe okay? He is harmless. He just wanted to play. I can’t believe you used a taser gun on Tim’s dog.

Smokelbg:

Did you say Tim’s dog? Please tell me I didn’t taser Timothy D. Cook’s dog. Damn it!

Fefe is the canine dog from hell. You should be asking is Smokelbg okay. Do I look like IAMS or Purina One Dog Chow to you? Where is this place anyway? Anytime Air Force One drops you off in the middle of the desert, you got to be hiding some secrets. I get along with dogs on a regular day but Fefe and I aren’t making any love connections. Can I use your bathroom? Ahhh! Steve there is a robot up here in your bathroom trying to tell me how many square feet are in toilet paper. Steve get up here I push a button and I’m not sure if I Googled my butt across the nation. I just need some peroxide for my butt and I need to flush the toilet. Steveeee!

Steve:

Are you finding everything you need Smokelbg. There are some special treats behind the mirror glass shaped like an APPLE. This would make any woman’s head spin.

Smokelbg:

I don’t want my head to spin. I need some toilet tissue to keep me from having issues with Roberta the Robot who will not let me wipe my Ahh….! Steve get up here NOW!

Steve:

Oh Dear, I meant to tell you if you put your hands in a certain position the robot will defend herself and put you in a headlock. Smokelbg, Tim designed the robot. It was a birthday gift for my daughter.

Smokelbg:

I should have known. Who is going to believe that my torn A… graduated to a whiplashed neck. Only at Steve’s Jobs compound. Do you have a pair of pants I can borrow and a soft pillow I can sit on?

Steve:

The pants may not fit. I mean they may be too long.

Smokelbg:

Just cut them in half…. I need something to cover my butt.

Steve:

Hold tight, I got something that will make you feel really comfortable. There you go. I know how you like soft fabrics and this robe is just perfect. Smokelbg, I’m not cutting my pants.

Smokelbg:

Fair enough but I could have done without the APPLES on the robe. This robe feels like a giant cotton ball. Steve it is TIME for us to take A BITE OF THE APPLE. Would you like to go first?

Steve:

Since you’ve come so far I want you to tell me what is on your mind.

Smokelbg:

I remember when I first told you about my son’s extraordinary mind, unique abilities, and multi-intelligence learning style. You looked directly in my face and said, Thank God he isn’t disabled. At least his head is still attached to his neck. I never liked labels that hinder people from achievement. At that point I wanted to cry. You sat there and you listened to me go on and on about Nonverbal Learning Disability. You asked me to take a trip out to one of the APPLE STORES. I did and it was an amazing adventure. When I stepped out of the car and entered into the store it begin to pull me and my son right into all the applications that could be purchased along with all the different products. My son and I were both dressed in our black tee shirts and blue jeans. We had struggled with the schools for years and it was TIME to move on and find the latest technology of teaching tools for home. Every person in the store regardless of race, age, and geographical location was fascinated with the products. They were all interested in learning. We felt at home. Every school across the nation should feel this way for all children to hold their interest in learning. This store’s atmosphere was non-threatening, created a conducive environment and every customer in the store was paying attention. Steve, from the TIME I walked into the APPLE STORE there were people conversing, exchanging email addresses, and their cell phone numbers. My son began to really shine and start asking for numbers too. He didn’t get this opportunity at school. I thought he would become overwhelmed because the store was so crowded. He jumped right on in. He was so excited and he began to open up for the first time.

My son didn’t have to feel the hurt and pain of having manifestation hearings, getting suspended, or ever having to worry about another due process hearing. Most parents feel children who are labeled “disabled” will become budget cuts in the educational system. Why would you want to fix a child that was already broken? Why should a school system RECOGNIZE or make accommodations for a diagnosis that has not been validated by the AMERICAN PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION? This store gave us a new way of looking at educating your child. It gave us hope outside of the educational system regardless what the educational system would or wouldn’t offer.

Why should a child go to school for twelve years of his life and find it hard to develop friends? It shouldn’t come down to TEST SCORES or the educational system FUNDING. Teachers shouldn’t be pressured to the point they LIE and CHEAT to bring children TEST SCORES up for ACCREDITATION. It should be about the child’s education because they are the ones who suffer the most. I kept trying to convince myself that I was in a store. This was more than just a store. Once again through your vision and innovation something magical was going on inside the APPLE STORE that made people not want to leave and learn more. It felt safe, people’s’ questions were being answered, there was so much support, and the employees cared.

I was so glad when you met with PRESIDENT OBAMA, ERIC SMITH one of the founders of GOOGLE and MARK ZUCKERBERG, founder and CEO of FACEBOOK. All I could think of was, “If anyone could get the educational system on track it would be you guys.” Alternative methods of teaching children are on the rise. Steve, parents need to understand if they can’t find support in their own schools and districts then they need to find another way. APPLE STORE has created a learning environment. The educational system needed to take notes BIG TIME.

I found one of your sayings you had written on June 12, 2005 and it is your TIME to take a BITE OF THE APPLE. Do you remember Steve?

Steve:

I may not remember offhand but I can pull it up on my computer. Let me see. Hear it is.

Smokelbg:

Okay, you read it.

Steve:

You want me to read it.

Smokelbg:

Yes Steve, if you want to sing it you can. Just do it. This is your BITE OF THE APPLE.

Steve:

Here it goes. I look in the mirror and ask myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “NO” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Because of almost everything-all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment of failure – these things fell away in the face of death leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

Smokelbg:

This is how I responded to your message on FaceBook. Hi this Smokelbg. I have always been puzzled by those who are GONE but not FORGOTTEN. These are the ones that never die and live in our hearts forever. The impact they make in our lives leaves such a great impression. You see them so clearly. You remember the smell of their cologne, the sound of their laughter, and their wonderful words of wisdom. We walk around everyday of our lives and we can’t remember the person’s name, what they wore that day, or where they work. Who is alive and who has passed on? There are many who are no longer with us. There are those who are expected to EXIT who will always have a PERMANENT ENTRANCE.

Steve you have inspired me to be a follower of my heart. When Tim’s dog tore into my APPLE BOTTOM JEANS I looked back and saw that I too was butt-naked. It would be a shame if I survived the cancer and not Tim’s dog. I just want the world to understand NLD Syndrome and hopefully parents will understand there is another diagnosis out there they may need to checked out. Everybody is not ASPERGER, AUTISM, or PDD-NOS. Good Grief! I want those parents out there asking questions, getting an early start on getting their child diagnosed, and not to be afraid. I don’t want to read anymore ho-hum stories about NLD SYNDROME. I’m tired of the gloom picture that is painted of people who have been diagnosed with NLD SYNDROME. These children/adults have to live with NLD SYNDROME and should not have to suffer the consequences from it. I want those doctors up, running, and developing strategies and coping skills and doing consistent testing for NLDERS. Sure DEATH is IMMINENT but to arrive at ones destination at a much early TIME without any knowledge of knowing what you are up against is one hell of a trap.The KNOWLEDGE of KNOWING will help with INTERVENTIONS even if there is NO CURE it will give you HOPE.

DEDICATED: To STEVES JOBS of APPLE, who has given the EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM HOPE and has given the WORLD EVERYTHING OF HIMSELF. NLD Mom/cancer survivor